How Deep The Father's Love

I have been searching frantically for answers since we learned of Jackson's heart condition. For the first three months after he was born I was working in an overnight position at the Four Seasons, and I had nothing but time to think, to worry, to pray, and to worry some more during the lonely hours I worked. It's hard to describe what it's like having a vice-grip compressing your chest nearly every moment of the day as you wonder what will become of your child who is not well. Sometimes it comes in sharp crushing pangs, and sometimes in the slow steady pressure that reminds you even in happy moments that it is still there. Though January and I trust that God is working His will in this situation it has been profoundly difficult.

I was praying not too long ago as to what God would want from me in this trial, as a husband, as a dad, as a family member, and as a friend. In his clear, steady voice, He said, "Trust Me, and testify about my Son." This resounded deep within me, because I am convinced, that in the final estimation all things irreducibly point to Jesus and the Father's love that He leads us to. I do not ultimately know what this procedure will bring about for Jackson (though I sincerely hope for the best and trust that he will be well), however I trust in a sovereign and compassionate God who comes to us in our weaknesses and tears and opens our hearts to their truest longings. Jesus knows these longings because He created us with them, "Father I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you have loved me from before the foundation of the world... I have made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love which you have loved me may be in them, and I may be in them." (John 17:24;26) Oh how deep the Father has loved His Son. There has never been a moment in all eternity when the Father has not beamed with an infinite love for His Son. It has always been, and always will be. This same love is what He longs for us to be found and forever lost in.

So the other day, shortly after January and I were informed of the severity of Jackson's condition, I was changing his diaper. This process, no doubt, God is repeating on us as we soil ourselves on a near constant basis, except our poop is stinkier. Yet as I was changing the little man, he let out a gigantic grin and a squeal of delight that his daddy was giving such special attention. I was struck in that moment of our Father's deep love for His own Son in that moment, how powerful it must be, and that the love I experienced no matter how small in comparison pointed me there. Having a kid with a sick heart has literally torn my heart in half, I wrote a quick note down describing this love - Love pierced with pain, yet behind the pain is a joy that cannot be assuaged no matter how penetrating the pain may be. Because of the cross, because of the joy set before it, because of the Father's unyielding affection there is joy, joy that subsumes pain and makes it holy however devastating it may be. So I wept with my boy in my arms with the joy of love, mine for him, my Father's for him, and my Father's for me.

God, unlike me has a way to heal His kids' sick hearts. At infinite cost, infinite pain, and ultimate love, for the sake of His and our ultimate Joy, He sent the Son He loves most to us, forsaking his eternally beloved Son to make us His and to make our hearts whole. We may never now just how glorious God's love is for us, but what an unspeakable delight it will be in eternity learning more and more of it in the radiance of His presence. It has taken the pain of this trial for me to learn this, and I do not know what lies ahead, but I am grateful that in these times I can glimpse, if even through the shadows, how deep the Father's love is for us.