What can I say? How can I express what I am feeling at this moment? I have been delaying in writing this letter to you, because I didn't want to have to feel, even in the slightest, the immense pain and fear that is gripping my heart and has been since the day your dad and I found out about your heart disorder. I have been keeping myself busy in the attempt to stifle the crushing reality of your condition and your upcoming surgery, but I cannot keep doing this. I am not doing myself any favors by avoiding this matter. So, I will try my best in the coming words to convey to you how I am feeling.
First of all, I want you to know how much I love you. Words cannot express the depth of love I feel for you. The quote that we posted on your blog rings so true to my heart when it states that having a child ...is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. I could not say it any better. You mean the world to me. Every night, after I have put you to bed, I silently creep into your room and peer over the edge of your crib to watch you sleep and every night I am overwhelmed at how beautiful you are and that you came from your dad and me. What an amazing gift you are! I praise God for giving me such a beautiful little boy, inside and out, and entrusting your dad and I to raise you. With that said, it reminds me that you are, in fact, a gift and on loan to me from God. You are my son, but you are ultimately His. This truth is hard for me to accept, at times, especially in the wake of this trial. I love you so much and don't want to face the fact that you are mortal just like the rest of us and God is in control of your life, not me. I feel such a fierce protectiveness over you, but I have to place my trust in the Lord and give you over to Him each and every day. He is your ultimate protector and has your best interest in His will.
As the day of your surgery looms closer I am attacked with so many emotions: fear, anxiety, sorrow, guilt. The list goes on. I keep wondering, "Why Lord? Why my little boy? What did I do?" It's difficult for me, being the one that carried you in my womb for nine months, not to feel guilt for being responsible for your condition. Did I not take my prenatal vitamins every day? Did I not eat healthy enough? Where did I go wrong? Although I do know that my actions were not the cause of your condition, these nagging questions are always in the back of my mind. When these thoughts begin to consume me, I rely on a verse that a good friend gave me, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, " said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life" (John 9:3). Jesus is responding to his disciples' inquiries as to why a man was born blind. This verse speaks God's truth into my questioning heart and provides me with a sense of peace that surpasses my limited understanding of the whys of this situation.
In closing, Jackson, I want to leave you with the following, May the Lord bless you and keep you; may the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; may the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace (Numbers 24-27).
I love you,
Mom
10 comments:
Well my little friend, I'm sitting here in my home wondering how I can possibly help. Of course there is only one way and that is to tell you that I care; that I will pray for God's hand in Jackson's surgery, recovery and for you and Jed to feel the love of the Holy Spirit every moment going through this difficult time. He is a beautiful little boy. What a great smile and laugh. Take care and thank you for being brave and sharing all of this with us.
Patty Hicks
beautiful january. i loved what Patty Hicks wrote "brave." of all the woman i know- i hold you as one of the bravest. your heart and words moved my heart. i love your honesty and the amazing way you love Jackson. He is so happy to have you as his mommy.
hey january- thanks for sharing this. all i can say is- from having a little one, i often wonder if they know how much their parents love them. and i've come to realize that i think with every hug, with every time you feed them, with every story you read, with every bedtime tuck-in, they just know. your deep love for jackson is so evident to anyone who has ever been around you two. jackson knows the love you have for him- and he adores you and jed. love you friend, we are praying.
Thanks for sharing January. You made me cry (again!). I check your blog every day and was so happy to see your entry. Thanks for sharing your fears, your love for Jackson and your hope in Christ. I love you friend.
Love, Robyn
January, Thank you for sharing your letter and your heart. I also love your list of things you love about Jackson. He is so lucky to have you as his mom. I'll be praying for your family and Jackson's surgery.
Our thoughts and prayers will be with little Jackson and all of his family. With love, Tom and Deborah Headlee
Dear Jackson and mom and dad,
Jackson is so precious. your love letter was so beautiful- it was difficult to read through my tears. God is with you during these difficult days. Family and friends love you and are standing with you upholding Jackson in prayer. We love your family.
Love-
Wichit and miriam Maneevone (family- in -laws)
Said a prayer for Jackson and for your family. Will continue to pray.
January, what a heartfelt letter. Your words warm the heart. I can only imagine the pain you are going through. You have so many friends who are praying for you, Jed and Jackson. I hope you can feel those prayers warm your heart. May God's love provide you peace to get you through each day.
We love you and are keeping you in our prayers, everyday! JoDawn & Matthew
My mom is friends with Karen Case so that is how I heard about your story. I read your story a couple weeks ago and I am now following up. Words cannot even begin to express that I know how you are feeling. What a beautiful boy you have! I am glad to see that the surgery went well and things are looking on the positive side...I knew they would. January, when I read your letter to Jackson the first thing that came to my mind was this prayer..."God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." I wanted to share that with you and Jed both. I also am praying it for you and your family as you continue through this difficult journey. I pray for Jackson's strength and healing. I can tell he is a fighter! What a precious boy! Please know that I am praying for you constantly and that Jackson is in the palm of God's mighty and powerful hands. The Lord is awesome and all things are possible through him.
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